This is a copy of a journal I wrote when I decided to experience for myself what its like to be homeless one year ago this week. I work for Safe Harbour Society; An organisation that helps the homeless and addicted.
Its a bit log and written a bit choppy but it gets the message across.
So I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and I like to experience things firsthand. After doing an intake at Peoples Place with someone who was totally new to Red Deer, I wanted to be able to put myself in her shoes. What is it like to be new in town and homeless? Who would I reach out to, who would reach out to me? Could I handle being homeless? I decided to find out. I chose to go to Edmonton for a week to find out. I picked Edmonton because I am not familiar with it and I don’t know anybody there. I went with twenty dollars in my pocket and two changes of clothes. This is my journal for the week. Brackets indicate some of my thoughts and explanations a year later right before I posted it on here.
Goals; make as much money as I can. Access resources, try to get casual work. Find a good backpack. Pick up Mark’s mail at health and wellness centre.
March 22 6:06 pm Greyhound Bus Depot A&W
Nervous, anxious, excited, worried, feeling kidney pain, (I had just passed two kidney stones, one in november and one in februruary so I was worried about having to deal with that) I have to drink lots of water. Bought big 1L bottle of water, plan to drink it all before I leave the depot. Total money on me after purchase $19.58. Paid $3.15, way too much for a bottle of water. Keeping an eye out for homeless looking people to ask directions for a shelter.
8:40 pm Mustard Seed
Got directions from the guy at the ticket booth to Herb Jamieson. Place was really seedy looking, dark, litter everywhere. Got a bad vibe from it so I’m gonna try the Hope Mission later on tonight. It’s like Mats program. (Mats is one of the programs we offer at Safe Harbour in Red Deer) Line up started at 6:30 they don’t open until 8:30. Lineup around the block. Ate at the Mustard Seed. Very good. Chicken, baked beans, Junior mints for dessert. ( I still think about those Junior mints, amazingly simple and awesome desert)
Gonna try to beg, borrow, steal, a bike. This should increase my money making potential.
Scoped out a casino where I am gonna try to panhandle later on tonite.
Most missions today on 96 st. feet very sore, gonna be tough.
Got legal info on homeless rights and other stuff at a clinic at Mustard Seed. Got a booklet on services here in town.
March 23 7:30 am Breakfast Club
Woke up at 5:50 lights on @ 6:00 out by 6:10 walk to the Rock (Breakfast Club). Pancakes, European sausage, oatmeal. Yay seconds!! Real juice. (often times juice offered at soup kitchens is powdered sugar water, so this is a real treat)
8:22am Bissell Centre drop in.
Stayed the night @ Hope Mission. Had a crappy sleep. Stuck between one guy who was trying to hold my hand all night and another guy snoring and grunting all night. Slang for Hope Mission –“Snake Pit” They have room for 130 people there, no space between mats, you get a blanket and a sandwich. Did not try to panhandle last night, too tired. Just staying here resting up.
9:17 am Bissell Centre East
Sick and tired of waiting around, tired of lineups. Line up eat, line up to sleep, line up to shit. Waiting for a backpack, got some directions how to get to stony plain road. So I can get Marks mail. Found out where the bottle depot is. Gotta keep track of bottles I have so they don’t scam me.
Feel like just another face. No one from they agencies has really reached out to me . The guy at the breakfast club seems cool. Didn’t chat for too long tho.
Sean from the Mustard Seed seems cool. I got some gloves and socks from them. It’s a nice atmosphere.
Joyce @ Bissell Centre very helpful.
10:19 am On the city bus
Hopped on bus to get to stony plain road $2.75!! Got bus schedule. Gave a dollar to a lady panhandling for good karma. Received a voucher for clothes, a surprising amount @ Bissell Centre, Got a new backpack with lots of toiletries. Using old backpack for bottles and cans.
Been checking garbage cans for cans. 10 cans checked 1 ensure bottle and 1 ginger ale bottle. Dowtown is pretty much cleaned out for bottles, plus its not quite the season when people are drinking a lot of pop. Been eyeing people with cans on the bus. $15.83 left.
12:38 pm Health and Wellness Centre
Able to pick up Mark’s mail. Had shower. Feel like a million bucks. Lunch was one plate of food, lasagne bun coleslaw. Staff served us, it was nice not to have to wait in line. Staff really friendly, debating whether to get a free haircut. Nursing students are cute and friendly but I don’t know if I trust them with my hair. Well worth the trip up here. Got some more toiletries, a pen with my name on it. Staff are real genuine and take the time to listen and care.
8:00 pm Mustard Seed
Quite the adventure today. Was in a pawnshop heading in the direction of West Ed Mall. Pawn shop guy told me about Bike Werx, a place where I could get a bike for $15! Problem is the place is on the south side of town. I got the address and started walking, I walked five blocks before I realised I could ask somebody for the bus money.(it never occured to me to ask someone for money, It takes a real mind shift to depend on others for moneyy) It took two tries and five minutes for me to get a toonie. ( a friend later said that the best spots for panhandling were parking lots of malls and grocery stores, people usually have change and dont have their guard up like they would downtown) I used that and the change I had in my pocket to get on the bus. After transferring downtown getting lost for awhile, I found the place in an alley These guys were awesome! They weren’t supposed to be open that day but they welcomed me in, chose a bike for me. Replaced a tire and fiddled with the brakes. Had me test drive it around the block. Sold it to me for $15 plus bike lock!! ( I told them I was using it to get help me get a job)
Freedom!!! I had freedom but for the first time I didn’t have any money on me at all. I will have to panhandle and pick bottles to get some money. I biked around Whyte avenue a bit but it was still early. No one out and about. So I headed across the High level bridge to Jasper avenue..
Jasper avenue was hard. I panhandled for an hour and made four dollars. Bought a sharpie and a couple of big brown envelopes to make some signs. I have $1.34 to my name.
Headed over to hope mission for supper @ 5:30 waited in line for an hour before I was able to eat. Baked potato, chicken, salad and a bun. Saw staff being overzealous and powerhungry about rules. Tried looking for Sally Anne to spend the night. Think I found it but no one around there to answer my questions. Might phone them. Later on I heard they have bugs so I am not going there.
Headed over to the mustard seed@ 7:00 for more supper. Waited in another line. Ate chilli, cesar salad, bun oranges, and donuts. I like the atmosphere at the seed.
No one has really reached out to me, not that I have actively sought it out. I am new and there are so many people, so its easy to see how someone could go unnoticed all alone with their problems.
Health and wellness centre was great. Nice atmosphere, friendly staff. Worth going there again, even tho it is on the other side of town.
Gonna try some more panhandling on Jasper and on Whyte. Having a bike is awesome. Would like to make 60-65$ to cover cost of trip and bike. Tomorrow I am gonna try some casual labour jobs that pay daily.
8:40 pm Mustard seed.
Just enjoying karaoke here. Really don’t want to leave.
March 24 8:33 am Bissell Centre
Finally left the seed at 9:20 pm,. Biked over the High level bridge to Whyte ave. Panhandled at the Safeway parking lot. Made about 5$ in half an hour. Security guard was a bit intimidated by me, wouldn’t approach me or say hi or anything. ( I have a pet peeve about those rent a cop/commisonaires. Having worked five years in a bar I feel they dont really do any security)
Realised it was late, headed back to the snake pit. Crappy sleep. They guy next to me had really stinky boots. Left Hope @ 6:40. Biked over to the breakfast club.
AAARGH!!! SNOW!!!@#$%&!!
Waiting now @ Bissell centre doing an orientation for casual labour paid daily program. Found myself getting really mad. They can only hold 85 people at the Bissell. I missed an employment program by two minutes. I had to wait in the cold until people left so I could get in. There were people there I know were jut having coffee, and were not working. Staff were unsympathetic when I explained my frustration.
12;08 pm Bryson street community co-op.
Signed up for a casual job program. Took two hours of waiting and filling out some forms. Had lunch while I waited.
Went over to the other Bissell centre to use my clothing voucher. Told to come back at one o’clock. Very frustrated. Angry. Just killing time at Bryson community co-op drop in to see what they are all about. Huge place, lots of good programs, Advocacy, mental health, youth programs. No staff acknowledged me when I went into various areas and rooms.
Very tired. Gonna nap here till one o’clock, grab some clothes at the Bissell and possibly go to West Ed to panhandle
1:35 Uncomfortable nap, off to who knows where.
9:37 pm Ended up bussing to West Ed to panhandle. Panhandling sucks, its hard, people ignore you, lie to you, can’t even look you in the eye. You gather up courage to talk to strangers about your need, and they don’t even say anything back. It wears you down and can be pretty demeaning. But then you meet somebody who takes the time to talk to you, listens, gives you some money but more than that gives you hope and energy to keep on going.
With my earnings I went downtown to city centre mall. Had some restaurant food (Vietnamese) Felt so good to eat sit down read a paper, without being asked to leave so that others can eat or having some crazy stinky guy sit next you and start asking personal questions.
Still no one has really reached out to me. I feel there could be some support if I approached them, by them I mean volunteers, staff, other street workers. But nobody takes the initiative to ask me how I am REALLY doing. (When I read this back I realise how hard I am on staff and volunteers. I dont know if that is because I knew how to do their jobs, or if I just had unrealistic expectations. I mean I was only there for a week)
Able to make some friends,. Kyle, Amos, and Jason. Three younger guys, but friendly and supportive. Jason is deaf, so I am learning sign language, but I am enjoying making fun of him in front of his face.. I think he knows more than he lets on.
8:02 am March 25 Bissell Centre
Another crappy sleep @ the snake pit.(Part of the problem was I would be out until they almost closed the doors at 12:30, I wanted to experience as much as possible. When I got there all the good mat spots were taken and I ended up sleeping next to people that everyone else knew not to sleep next to. Or I would end up at the front where they kept a few lights on) Up at 6:20, out the door at 6:40. I was able to sneak a knife in.(had it in the small of my back, not too hard to catch, it was a big knife too.) Its really frustrating to see people doing a job I can do way better, but who am I? just a homeless client.Waited a long time in line to get to a bingo draw for casual jobs. I draw 16 which is good but I don’t have steel toe boots. So I will see what happens. I am pretty optimisitic.
Rachel and Lloyd have been good friends. Showing me the ropes, warning me about certain people, watching my stuff.(Very important level of trust to get someone to watch your stuff) Lloyd is two years clean from crack and doing well. Has said good things about Poundmakers(Native spirituality based rehab program I often referred people to at work) Rachel is his ol lady. Real supportive, nice lady taking care of her man.
Had to miss breakfast to get in line for a job, saved my sandwich from last night. Hungry Hungry. Should have saved food when I got it. Feeling hopeful and optimistic today, hoping to get a job.
Edmonton has a lot more natives than Red Deer, crack and alcohol are common. Ambulance came yesterday to get somebody who passed out, od?, in a shopping cart. I get my hope from the fact I am leaving on Friday. I don’t know were they get it from, how they keep going. I can see why it is so easy to want to escape into addiction, loneliness, despair. Little things help. A smile, clean socks, showers, a clean bathroom to change comb hair freshen up. Meat, any kind of meat is good. Haven’t had milk since I got here.
Seen some familiar faces. Trying to hide from a guy I did an intake on at winters inn. Just saw a guy that looks like Scooby doo. (Scooby was a client I worked with in Red Deer. That was one of my biggest fears, how would I explain myself to someone who knew me from Red Deer)
3:42 pm
I was 16th in line at the Bissell never got a job. Probably because I didn’t have steel toe boots. I was pretty disappointed.
Panhandled downtown, no luck, then got on LRT went all the way south and then all the way north, got off at my station downtown. It was warm and a good place to enjoy my bag lunch. Got a couple bucks in front of the Greyhound. Marian church was supposed to be really good for lunch but was closed for a week. Arrgh. Went to hope mission for lunch. Turkey soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, Stared down a staff member who wasn’t gonna let me use the bathroom cause they were closing.(I used my best bouncer tough guy face. I remember being really annoyed with his attitude) Now at the mustard seed just chilling out, charging my phone, gonna head to Whyte ave. to scrounge up some more money.
9:02 pm A&W on Whyte.
Saw how busy it was downtown so I pulled out my sign. Pretty good luck. Some kind hearted people out there.
I was asked to move off property by a gentleman. I took two big steps forward and faced another direction. I ended up making more money that way. I found I like just holding the sign rather than asking people point blank for change. I can just relax and I don’t have to muster up courage every time. I put my toque on the ground with some change in it, they can give if they want.
It is interesting to see where people’s eyes go when they walk. They will look anywhere but at you. Definitely won’t talk to you. People are texting, calling, have Bluetooth, and ipod’s plugged in. they will pay attention to anything else but you. A guy stopped, read my sign, said he admired my honesty, called me a ginger (cause of my red beard), said he would find an ATM and be back. I thought he was playing with me because he walked in the opposite direction of a bank right across the street. He came back 10 minutes later and gave me forty dollars!! We chatted and I told him more of my story. That I had a job in Red Deer and hope to get back by Friday night. He seemed really gay, and was asking if I did drugs, so I thanked him sincerely and then made an excuse and got out of there. He was creepy. (I dont get creeped out by too many people, but sheesh. I still get shivers down my spine thinking of him)
It was nice out so I continued to bike to Whyte ave. I am going to sleep outside tonight. The prospect of panhandling on Whyte is too great to pass up, considering the shelter closes at midnight, and I would have to bike halfway across the city. Got to Whyte ave at 5:50 and decided to dumpster dive till dark. At first I peeked in a few, saw how gross it was and was ready to give it up, but saw some easy ones and then ripped open a bag and found 25-30 cans so I got right into it. Managed to pick 3 big bags of bottles in the alley behind Whyte in only about 5-6 blocks. Filled up my bags one at a time then biked down to the river valley to stash them. Felt like a squirrel. I found someone else’s stash, half a bag of cans and a nice pokey stick. Had no qualms about stealing it, but then got paranoid about continuing on. Moved my knife from my bag to my pocket.
I have a new appreciation for dumpster divers or professional recyclers as I like to view them. Its very hard work. Jumping in and out of dumpsters, feeling garbage bags, ripping them apart to see what’s in them. Covered in filth and stinking to high heaven. I hurt my foot and scraped my shin jumping in and out, and that was only about twenty dumpsters. I can’t imagine doing it all day all over the city. You have to fight the stigma. I developed an I don’t care attitude and would stare right back at people if they were staring at me.
Haven’t been hassled by anybody. I can do my job and they can do theirs.
Don’t know where I am going to sleep tonight. I’m going to panhandle on Whyte and see how much I can raise.
2:01 am McDonald’s on south side
Was out with my sig and toque technique. Raised two bucks right off the bat then it was slow. Tried other spots up and down Whyte, but you gotta give other’s their space. Got a city bus ticket. A lady gave me a toonie because she believed my story and I didn’t look like an addict or a creep. Two people were about to give me some money but the cops pulled up and gave me a warning. Apparently panhandling is illegal on Whyte. They took my sign and sent me on my way. I was so pissed off. Luckily they gave me a warning. A panhandling ticket is $250!! I wandered up and down Whyte picked some more bottles. Sat on a bench for an hour, got up and was super stiff.
Headed to the High level bridge. Ended up trying to sleep on the north side. It’s a pretty good spot but soo cold. I even used a pillow I found there.(it was soo gross) I realised that by locking my bike up on the bridge I was telegraphing where I was staying so I had a hard time relaxing enough to get some sleep. Who knows who would show up. The car noise and my paranoia caused me to leave after an hour and find some other spots. That was the first time I was really scared while here in Edmonton. Came here and really appreciated a double cheeseburger and fries. Read a paper about three times. Caught a few minutes here and there nodding off. Hard to sleep in Mcdonald’s booths.
6:30 am A different Mcdonald’s on the south side
Left Mcdonald’s at 5:50 to search for bottle depot. Finally managed to find it. Now I have to sort my bottles, wait at another McDicks until 9 am. Aarrrgghh!! So I am just killing time here having breakfast and reading another paper.
As I think back on the week I ask God to open the eyes of my heart to see the real problems. How can I change? What am I supposed to learn from this?
Last night was my loneliest. I think of the people who reached out to me. More street people than staff/volunteers. I made friends with 6-7 people who looked out for me, gave me the clothes off their backs and the food out of their packs. I could trust their wisdom more than I could trust anybody else. I hope I can see them before I go.
Rant time!! Its not enough to feed, clothe, shelter. Smile, be cheerful, take time to notice people, REACH OUT!!, pay attention to little things, remember names. Make your shelter/kitchen/centre/ whatever as clean and bright as possible. Keep bathrooms spotless, bathrooms are a refuge, privacy for people who don’t have any. Work on removing barriers between staff and client. We are all the same.
10:44 pm Peoples Place Red Deer (Peoples place is a shelter program in Red Deer where homeless people can stay up to a month to get back on their feet)
I am working at People’s Place. Finally home. Rough day. I gathered my cans from my stash point, sorted them and balanced three full bags on my bike, glass on one side, cans and bottles on the other side. Biked 15-20 blocks up to the depot. Ended up waiting there for 45 minutes in the snow. Aaarrggh!! Forgot to keep track of all my cans an bottles. I think the lady ripped me off. All that work and just $12.25 arrggh. Oh well. So off I go. Biked for an hour to get to the Bissell centre hoping to take a shower before I go. On my way, a guy cuts me off and I just lost it. Called him a bunch of names and thought about confronting him if he stopped on that block. Then I get to the Bissell centre and find out they are closed. @#%&*!! This is my breaking point. The only thing that keeps me reasonably sane is the fact that I am leaving pretty soon. I bike around a bit to cool down.
I look down 96 street and see three churches that are closed. Signs on them advertise Sunday services but nothing during the week. It hits me. There are a lot of programs, a lot of services, different things to do, but there is not much spiritually being offered out there. It is hard to find encouragement, people to listen, bible studies, prayer meetings etc.
Tears come to my eyes when I realised the enormity of emptiness. We have well fed; well clothed people who are hollow inside and don’t have a relationship with Jesus. They are unnecessarily carrying their burdens alone when they don’t have to.
It is frustratingly ironic that all the services I used were faith based but I still didn’t feel like I was being reached out to, other then being fed and clothed.
I gave my bike to my friend Jesse. Had given him a spare key on Wednesday, and told him he could have it on Friday. I locked it up at a certain spot and left my key under the seat.
Got to the bus station at 10:30. Found out I would have to wait till 1:30. I didn’t care. I was heading home.
Things that annoyed me;
Waiting in line for everything
Not having choice in food/clothes/shelter
Seeing people cheat the system and get away with it
Walking
Cold weather sucks the energy right out of your day
Futility in hitting on cute volunteers (sigh... if only they knew)
Jumping into a dumpster to get one can only to realise I can’t get out of dumpster.
Seeing staff do a job and knowing you can do way better
Staff who don’t know what they are talking about.
The attitude that beggars can’t be choosers
People who ignore you
Did I say line ups?
Having to rely on schedules that can be confusing and seemingly arbitrary
Killing time and being bored
Coffee coffee everywhere
Things that I enjoyed/warmed my heart
Smiles
Friends
Meat!!
Acknowledgement
Couple of shots of Red Hot on a cold day. WHOO!! ( Red Hot is a spicy cinnamon flavoured liquour)
A nice clean bathroom
New socks
Showers
Compliments
Freedom of making my own way
Energy of big city
LRT!! (light rail tranist)
Nice gloves
People who go out of their way to help out, sympathise
The joke of the day at the seed
